The Lord Otterant

O2 cannot send Instagram pictures over GSM.

2011-04-16T21:17:00.001+01:00

@tinathewife

2011-04-11T23:15:00.001+01:00

My Family

2011-03-30T21:19:00.001+01:00

The sound of bells always amused me and our family lived opposite the
church in the village of Mentall Wallcock in Devon in the summer in
England in fact, so daily life was a laugh. My father broached casks
for a living and my mother spent her time between looking after us (my
two brothers, a sister and a caravan) and beating up drunks in the
police cells. Once the drunks brought in that night had settled down
the local police let her into the cells during the small hours of
Saturday and Sunday to kick shit out of them. She loved it and would
sometimes take a friend from the pop-in centre or maybe a weapon of
sorts. My father didn’t approve of this, he said it wasn’t right for a
woman to behave that way, preferring her to do dragster racing “ur
summut”. I knew why he didn’t like it though, it was because he knew
some of the drunks from Boat Club and they said she could be a vicious
woman at times, especially when she had weaponry. Either way, it gave
her an opportunity to let off steam that many women didn’t get around
where we lived.
My father was a quiet man who’s job at the cask factory kept him out
of the house from eight in the morning until seven at night. He used
to finish work at about five but liked to spend an hour or so at Boat
Club with a few friends. I never knew and still don’t know what Boat
Club is, all I did know was that it was on the river and it smelt odd.
He never took me there so I never knew what it even looked like on the
inside, but a friend of his, Mr. Fany, who was one of the drunks, told
me once that it was the grandest place you could imagine on the
inside, “it may look like a gippo’s arse from the outside,” he said,
“but once you go through those doors you’re in another world of rich
stuff that you or I might never think of.” He was quite hard to
understand sometimes so I didn’t mind that my mother used to whack him
about a bit.
My father never said much and when he did he was as hard to understand
as Mr. Fany. When I was small he would come up to me on occasion and
bend down so that his torso was at a right angle to his legs, face
level with his waist and stare hard into my eyes. After a minute or so
of staring he would turn his head 180 degrees until it was facing
upwards and spit huge gobbets of phlegm and eggy mess a long way into
the air, so far that it disappeared. He would then stand up straight
and walk a couple of paces back moving me to his side where we would
wait. I don’t know how he got the timing sorted out but without fail
someone, a man or a child or sometimes a farmer who knew him would
come along, and he would engage them in interesting conversation for a
bit. Then splat, the bits he had shot into the air several minutes
before came down again right on the heads of these unsuspecting
people. Once this happened to the same person three days in a row, he
wasn’t even a drunk, just a bit thick I think.

My parents got on well in a quiet sort of way, even though they were
very different. My brothers though, were energetic boys, always
playing and getting into trouble. My sister Tambien was very sensible,
she joined Light Club when she was old enough, that’s how sensible she
was. I remember one time Vee and Jyna, they were my father’s nicknames
for the boys, took food from the kitchen and a canoe, from the canoe
shed at the end of our garden, out to sea. They were gone for a week.
Mother was angry because they hadn’t told her where they were going
and got even angrier when they tried to argue that they couldn’t have
told her where they were going because the sea is big and much the
same wherever you go on it, how the hell could they have known where
they were. Mother was a stickler for navigation and said they should
have taken charts and a sextant and a chronometer like the H4 or
something. She could be a hard woman sometimes.
I can’t remember why the bells made me laugh now, but that doesn’t
surprise me, does it.

my first drawings with Sketchbook Pro

2011-03-30T20:49:00.001+01:00

See the full gallery on Posterous

Driving and Desires.

2011-01-21T23:57:00.004Z

Modding my £500 SaxoN has become a real test of restraint. I finally succumbed to a six-port exhaust, adding into the mix another 22BHP. I'm well chuffed and one day I hope to have this many exhausts, I count nine.

If I manage to keep my job at ASDA in Swanley I'll be able to get four of these bad boys next month...

Follow The Man On The Bike

2011-01-12T13:46:00.003Z

This morning I left for work in a confident mood, it was windy and brisk and nobody was around, I felt glorious, in the kind of mood that puts others in a good mood with my head held high and a very long gait. However, my confidence quickly collapsed, when I approached my car; there was a funny sound coming from it. It was a low humming, the kind of noise that would have been coming from the engine had it been running, but it wasn’t running. So, curious, I bent down and peered underneath the vehicle between the front wheels where the noise seemed to be loudest. There, lying on his back, was a man dressed in very baggy grey clothing clutching a small chrome box, about the size of a compact camera, close to his neck unaware that I was watching him. The small chrome box was making the humming noise and the man was concentrating very hard on it.

My Family

2011-01-12T13:44:00.005Z

Cevvi Minnell and Da Office Girls

2011-01-12T10:54:00.002Z

Jane and Linda had a whacking stomp at last week's Cevvi Minnell, breaking all the codes, total beasts. Both were wearing outfits by Linda's 'Moist Ted', Peet, who herself looked a real treat in her Hesson Backslat two-strap gimmer shoes. They had gone with the usual gang: Nikki, Sam, Sal, Renahjai and Mulmobo, and started the afternoon in the traditional way: hiding in the restaurant kitchen then behind the bar, under tables, you know the form. All were farting tremendously which, as well as pumping up their tights so that they looked as if they were walking with a couple of seals for legs, gave the MC (MC Rubba Brainn that evening) a sneezing fit and a thong-stretchin’ chubby.
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A test to Twitter and FookBook

2011-01-09T23:40:00.000Z

Testing my rant. The rant from Bromley. This is a test, do not be alarmed.

YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! It's my birthday in 20 minutes.

Web app test

2011-01-09T22:34:00.000Z

I'm trying a new web app version of my Web site. It's quite a neat way to promote the work. Swipe, flick and smile away.

The Jones children, 1974

2010-10-21T18:09:00.000+01:00

L>R: John, me, Martha, Louis.

We (the boys) are wearing nylon jumpers knitted for us by a Great Aunt. They were so itchy that we only wore them for the photograph.

Waterloo Bridge

2010-01-18T22:33:00.001Z

Waterloo Bridge
Originally uploaded by henryejones

In London Mist.

Frikkin Epson

2009-11-22T18:59:00.000Z

What the hell. Another Epson printer down the pan.

Eco-friendly transport

2009-02-06T10:28:00.002Z

Colonial Rule

2009-02-06T10:23:00.002Z

Cat

2007-11-05T07:43:00.001Z

http://www.cathappy.com/rainbow.htm

Idiot Bus Driver

2007-09-28T11:22:00.001+01:00

Three looser cruisers blocking a road.

Greg the Bunny

2007-09-04T09:11:00.000+01:00

Weighting room

2007-06-24T11:24:00.002+01:00

Broadsheet

It finally happened

2007-05-23T13:25:00.000+01:00

Yes, I go knocked off my bike by a woman in a car. Silly bitch.

Chav Garden Improvements

2007-03-22T10:09:00.000Z

Safety-conscious a'holes spotted leaving B&Q.

Tesco bastard

2007-02-25T19:47:00.000Z

I saw this Tesco UG making his mark.

Holp Moi and the Drells

2006-11-22T10:07:00.000Z

Things are getting so bad I have brought out the Drell Creatures. Lead by Holp Moi the Creatures clean up the mess in my workshop. See here you people.

Ug in Van

2006-11-22T09:50:00.000Z

This load was not tied down. DUR UG!

See here for Van Madness.

The A40 blocked

2006-11-22T09:44:00.000Z

Oh shit! Some shiny-suited developer has managed to build a tower block on the A40.

Drunk

2006-11-12T22:10:00.001Z

I got pissed at Alex Kopranos's book launch last week and became lost trying to get home. Being pissed I thought filming myself with my mobile would help. It didn't.

Ug II

2006-11-10T15:37:00.001Z

The blonde woman in this UG was tiny. Naturally she was on the mobile with the kid in the back.

An while we're at it, do any of you own one of these? It's the new Mac.

Cycling

2006-11-05T08:47:00.001Z

Uh. As a cyclist I can cover the 10 miles to work quicker than I can in my car. I refuse to wear the horrid spandex/lycra/speedo crap worn by many announcing that they are, in fact a CYCLIST! No, a chap like me wears corduroy, cotton, wool and leather. My bike is old and had a rack and bags, I like it. I do, however, sport a helmet and would like to relay these wise words (from www.tfl.gov.uk) to other cyclists:

9 things to watch out for

Black cabs swerving to the kerb to pick up/drop off passengers (fat-arsed sloths)
Pedestrians stepping out into the road without looking (twats)
Passengers hopping off or on buses without looking (cretins)
Vehicles turning left across you – even more serious if it is a bus or lorry (half-witted lorry/bus drivers)
Car doors being opened into your path (BMW/any off-road vehicle)
Vehicle creepage at junctions (builders/africans)
Delivery vehicles parked in cycle lanes (morons)
Drivers failing to indicate properly leaving everyone guessing (BMW/africans/any off-road vehicle)
Vehicles doing impromptu U-turns (all of the above)

I have to say that the fruity language that Ken uses to describe these road users on his TfL site is refreshing.

Traffic wardens

2006-11-04T13:57:00.001Z

Everyone has had a ticket at some time. Please download these pictures and put them somewhere you might think would make a statement. There are some UG car (4x4) ones too.

Bendy Busses

2006-11-04T13:53:00.000Z

Ken "Git" Livingstone's bendy busses are a pain, especially if you ride a bike or happen to be near one in anything smaller than a tank. 18m of incompetently-driven pleb mover is how I would summarise them. 18m is a good length for a competition glider wingspan, not a bus in a crowded city.

More road fun

2006-11-04T13:31:00.000Z

Paaaaah. Today we have mobile phone/driving pics.

Ninja

2006-10-25T13:15:00.000+01:00

I made some screensavers for mobile phones, they are 240w x 320h (pixels) and suit screens of that size like the Sony Ericsson K800i: see here

Road (don't) works

2006-10-25T12:11:00.000+01:00

In the picture above count how many men you can see working. This is not a trick question, the answer is none. The answer will usually be none because the utility companies (sneeky evil c****) employ idiots pay them poorly.

I had no idea why the cones were out, the road was not being dug up, maybe they needed airing.

Heather Mills and Aishah Azmi

2006-10-23T00:25:00.000+01:00

I was wondering: are they the same person? Really. We know Heather Mills is, hmm... she has a tendency to make up stories, and Aishah Azmi does too and won't show her phiz to anyone. They are both desperate for publicity and money and will do anything to get it. Those veil-cloaks are just the job for hiding a fake leg too, you'd never see the limp and a sponsorship deal (see pic below) is an obvious choice to raise a bit of cash. Anyhow, if they're not the same person we should get them to mud-wrestle in leather aprons in front of some pie-munching builders. What do you think?

The M6

2006-10-20T18:33:00.001+01:00

I went to Manchester last Monday and drove because the train was F****** £60 single or 10x what it would have cost me to get to Malaga. I would rather have gone by train but at that price it's cheaper to drive. There were lorries everywhere and one had crashed and caused the M6 to be closed. Huge delays as the rescue services went into action. What a flawed system this is; get freight on the rail network and place the lorry-drivers in jobs where they can do less harm.

Even more Ugs

2006-10-15T01:53:00.000+01:00

Not much today, just some Ug driving.

And a really good espresso.

Chorley cake

2006-10-14T00:52:00.001+01:00

"Ya can't do that wi'a Chorley cake in y'hand."

"Ya can't do that wi'a Chorley cake in y'hand"
Tim McManray, UK

Ugs allowed out

2006-10-13T23:50:00.000+01:00

More Ugs on the road, this time not a tiny blonde tart on her mobile peering through the steering wheel of her (ie the car her suit husband got her) X5. No, this time it was a real Ug from Flannery Transport 020 8900 9290 which managed to destroy a signpost and flatten a traffic island as it carried out a 320˚ three point turn on mini roundabout in Chislehurst. It then tooled up a narrow road wondering what all the small buzzy things were under its wheels (they were cars). See pics below of the Ug low loader.

This was a Chavé sticker I saw in Eltham - nice mate, really sending out the alpha-male message there (click on pic to get a better view).

Hmm.